Think Big. Dream Big. Achieve Big

You found somebody?

I found some too.

She has everything I need, but she’s not you.

Life can often leave us feeling empty like there is a void in our souls that we struggle to fill. We yearn for a more profound sense of purpose or fulfillment that may seem elusive, but this is a challenge many people can relate to as we navigate the complexities of existence.

During such moments of emptiness, we may encounter events that seem to rob us of our joy and happiness. Life can appear to take away the things we hold most dear, leaving us feeling lost and hopeless. This pain can be all-consuming, as our hearts have been shattered into numerous pieces. However, even in the darkest moments, a glimmer of hope can always guide us through our sorrows.

Life can be messy and challenging, testing our resilience and making us question our strengths. We face trials and tribulations that push us to our limits. During these difficult times, it is essential to rely on the support of our loved ones and remember that we are not alone.

As we journey through life, we begin to understand that our scars and wounds are not signs of weakness but rather badges of courage. They show that we have faced adversity and overcome the other side stronger. Through the cracks in our souls, our resilience shines through, helping us grow and transform.

Sometimes we stumble and fall, but we must remember that every setback is an opportunity to rise again. In these vulnerable moments, we discover our inner strength and capacity for self-transformation.

We can use the emptiness as a catalyst for self-reflection and growth. We cultivate self-awareness and acceptance by examining our hopes, dreams, and fears. When faced with adversity, we can respond with resilience and determination to reclaim what is rightfully ours.

We find solace in our collective struggles as imperfect beings on a shared journey. Every experience, whether positive or negative, contributes to the tapestry of our lives, painting a picture of resilience and growth. So let us embrace the messiness of life and discover the transformative power within ourselves.

I never thought I’d be talking from this perspective—

I’m not trying to tell you how to do things, but I’m tired of learning lessons and being sad. I miss my old self, the naive me who was always peppy and giddy. Can I get into my season of happiness and prosperity already? I know that my current status and situation aren’t what my life is supposed to be and that greatness was my destiny from the beginning; however, I will be 100% honest and admit that I’m struggling even to see the end of this tunnel. Everything negative seems never-ending, and I need something positive. If I need to change, I’m willing to do whatever it takes because I can’t take any more of this. I’m on my last leg, and this is the fourth quarter with two minutes left. It’s do or die, and I’m dying, but I’m not trying to, hence fighting for so long. I trust you, but please, I’m begging you.

I’m one of those people that can’t let go. If I’ve had fun with you once, I will text you on your birthday for at least the next five years. If we were friends in elementary school and haven’t talked since, I guarantee I still know your middle name, favorite food, and color. If I’ve ever had a crush, it never goes away; it fades. I will always tell stories about great times with people I haven’t seen in years. If you turn down my offer to get drinks and catch up ten times, I promise I will still ask an 11th time. If we fight and you block me, I will find a way to check in on you anyway to make sure you’re okay. If you’ve hurt me in every way imaginable, I still won’t throw dirt on your name because if I ever cared, it was real, and I could never break that loyalty to you. I know that sounds crazy, but that’s me.

Almost is the worst way to love someone, and our almost will forever haunt me. I’ll never be the same.

Letter to You

You,

Are you okay? —before you lie and say yes, take a minute and give into your emotions. You aren’t okay; there’s no point hiding it from me. There have been countless times I’ve caught you crying in the mirror, away from everyone, so nobody notices the pain and anguish in your eyes, but I did. I always hated it because I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t ease the pain and couldn’t figure out how to help you.

The thing is, I have always admired you from within, seeing you smile, laugh, and make others happier than you could ever be. I’m still proud of you, but seeing you break down so badly is not easy. Trust me, I know life throws some challenging situations at you; not everyone can tackle them, and that’s alright. —but what’s remarkable is that you’ve always done so with classiness, determination, and devotion. You believed in yourself and that you could do it, so you did. The saddest part about everything is I’m no longer seeing that version of you. Where are they? I miss them!

If you don’t mind, let me tell you what happened.

You’ve lost hope, are scared, broken, and have been for a while. Instead of using your supplies to rebuild yourself, you’ve been rebuilding everyone around you, hoping their happiness could be infectious and become yours. It’s commendable, but you needed to be taking care of yourself. The past is the past, and there’s no need to beat yourself up about it, so please be kinder. 

Don’t you remember that song, “Who You Are,” by Jessie J? What were the lyrics again, because not only did you stand by them, you even motivated everyone else with them. 

“Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars. Seeing is deceiving. Dreaming is believing; it’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart, but tears don’t mean you’re losing; everybody’s bruising; there’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

That’s the one. Yeah, you were the peppy person that everyone loved to be around. You loved to be who you were, and everyone admired your personality, but now that you’ve stood the test of time, YOU are no longer there.

It’s not easy getting back up again once you’ve been hurt. It hurts a lot, and it’s justified not to want to bring back some of your pieces. You used to live by the saying that your heart is made of glass, and every time it breaks, you can fix the more significant pieces, but you always lose little shards. However, recently, a dope writer said, “—maybe you aren’t supposed to fix the more important parts while trying to create the same structure that was once there and that those shards were meant to be swept away for the new design to be built.” (Indigo Empress, 2022)

In other words, a newer version of you is waiting to be created amid all this chaos. You’re only human, and losing your faith in hope and emotions are natural. 

—but please don’t give up.

I get it; being the only other one connected to your heart, I can be the one to say that you’ve lost your way. You have given up on yourself, on us, and it’s not fair for me because I’ve been silently rooting for you. From your academic achievements, personal growth, and even your character, you may not realize it, but you have so much potential. All the hurt, disappointments, pain, and grief are momentary; this shall pass.

I’ll repeat it, don’t give up!

You’re not even someone who gives up that easily, so I do not understand you right now. You have persevered relentlessly and even achieved things you once thought were impossible because of the courage and determination that you exude. Your motto has always been that you strive to be a better version of yourself today than you were yesterday. Now, where is that person? Why do I now see a person who cracks under pressure? You don’t write anymore. You don’t make music anymore. You’ve completely isolated yourself from those that love you, and I think I know why; you don’t even like this version of yourself.

Why won’t you let me help you?

We can figure this out together because I hate to see you this way. Your value is astronomical; whether you want to believe it or not, you’re supposed to be here. We need you! I need you! You have so much more to do and so many lives to touch because you’re just now figuring out your gift, and it’s time to let that light shine. Don’t let this pain define you, and your tears shouldn’t deflect from your purpose. Giving up is not an option. 

If you need to cry and even engulf yourself in guilt and pain, do that; but afterward, you must stand up and retake that leap of faith to find yourself. You can do it!

I have voiced many apologies during my lifetime to others and have felt so badly about the things I couldn’t change or fix. Right now, at this moment, I need to apologize to you because it’s been long overdue. 

I’m sorry about all of the times I’ve gone against you. I’m sorry that I didn’t always believe in you. I’m sorry about the times I doubted you, and even when I was so disgusted with you, I hated you. I’m sorry for always upholding you to the impossible standard of being perfect when “perfect” doesn’t even exist. I’m sorry for not celebrating you enough. I’m also sorry if I ever made you feel like you always needed more because you weren’t enough.

I’m sorry I didn’t work hard enough to process your grief, nor did I do enough to stop you from processing it in unhealthy ways. I’m sorry I did all these things to you and didn’t consider the future repercussions. I’m sorry I didn’t understand how bad the pain indeed was. I’m sorry I always made it an issue I couldn’t fix instead of embracing and understanding that you only needed love.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that I loved you. 

We can start now, though; I love you! Deep down, I think you always knew that because that’s why we’re still here, why you haven’t given up and why you keep trying. 

Despite everything, you’re worth it, and I know this because you try to grow from your past mistakes. Don’t worry, because I’ll have your back. I’ll always look out for you. 

Say it with me now. 

You are not a horrible person or an unlovable monster; don’t you EVER forget that. 

Until next time,

Your inner self

My thoughts at 2am

It’s weird… I’m infatuated with you but now that I can have you, I don’t know if I do. Will I hurt you? Will you hurt me? Will it work? I mean yeah, when you see someone every so often, you can vibe but will that carry over to everyday? I’m probably thinking too much but when has that ever not been an issue for me? Im really not in a position for an us though. Like, I have so much to do that I almost don’t have time for myself. We work together isn’t that weird? No? Is that just me? Probably. This will probably pass like all the others and I’m going to regret it. I’m writing this like I can’t change it lol but y'all don’t get it, I’m difficult. If I ever committed I’d be all in but I’m not sure if that’s me right now. I’m not out doing anything but I’m not sure if I can be for someone right now. I need myself. I need me. I love me. I have fun with me. Sometimes… I’m getting better at that though. I’m off topic but who cares because there is no topic.

NSPLS 3.0 Part 2

At this point in the game, you’re probably like, “Jesus, take the wheel…. I’m getting tired of this fool and this Marriana mess.” It’s understandable, but at the same time, you have to understand our dynamic. It doesn’t matter what’s happening between us; I’ll always be there for her, no matter the circumstance. I will say that this is my last time, though. I’ve realized she is nothing but trouble and unsuitable for my life or health.

On the way there, I’m thinking of what to say to let her know what the deal is. Once I get there, I find Marriana crying.

Marriana: Hey, I’m sorry to call you over here. I just needed somebody to talk to.

Brandon: It’s all good; I understand!

Marriana: Yeah, it’s just so hard.

Brandon: I feel you. Do you know what’s going on?

Marriana: They don’t know, and I’m just so scared.

Brandon: Don’t be scared. Everything will work out; it always does.

Marriana: Yeah *starts crying*

Here we go again. I’m a sucker for tears, but I must go through with the plan. I had to let Marriana know what I had been thinking about.

Brandon: Hey, so I have to tell you something; I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I don’t know if I can do this.

Marriana: Do what?

Brandon: This whole back-and-forth game.

Marriana: But I need you!

Brandon: Do you?

Marriana: I do.

Brandon: So then, why do we keep doing this?

Marriana: It’s hard to explain.

Brandon: Well, I need an explanation because I don’t get it.

Marriana: *shrugs*

Brandon: Honestly, I was planning to say all these terrible things on the way here. Like I’ve just been thinking about our past, how everything has just fallen apart, and how you’ve been the root of my downfalls and depression, but now all I want to say is that I miss you.

After that, we talked about fixing things and growing from the past. Yeah, that didn’t go as planned at all. Initially, I was supposed to end things, but now I’m deeper than I was. The worst part is that I had to lie and make it seem like Jameelah and Marshá were out of the picture. Smh, I’m such a hoe.

I was doing well with the whole three-girl thing. Some weeks go by, and everything was going great until it wasn't—

Before I get into how everything goes down the drain, I can explain. It wasn’t my fault THIS TIME. I’ll tell you how.

So, I’m out with Jameelah, and everything is going smoothly. I planned out this little lunch at a dog park. You would think that this would’ve been perfect. It’s a dog park; only dog owners are playing with their dogs or letting them play with the other dogs. Nobody had a dog (Marshá or Marriana), or at least I thought. So anyway, guess who I see jogging with a Great Dane—Marriana.

Marriana: Umm, hey.

Brandon: Oh God.

Jameelah: Why is she here?

Marriana: The real question is, why are you here? Brandon, you told me you got rid of this little bitch a long ago?

Jameelah looks at me.

Jameelah: Bitch? Hold up, Brandon; what the hell is she talking about?

Marriana: Brandon, tell her! She needs to know.

Brandon: I—Well—

Jameelah: Tell me what? You’re supposed to be my man—

Marriana: Man? You might want to ask your “man” about why he was at my house last night.

Jameelah: Brandon— You told me you guys were filming late, so you stayed at Theo’s place?

Marriana: All lies… It’s okay to be the sidepiece, though. Well, you two have fun! I would say watch out for the shit out here, but you’re sitting next to the biggest one because he’s full of it! Anyway, tootles…

Yoooo… Since when did she get a dog? I’m still trying to figure that one out. I’m so confused that she doesn’t even like animals like that. Note: It all goes down from here.

Brandon: Look, I can explain.

Jameelah: There’s no need to.

Brandon: I’m sorry.

Jameelah: *starts crying* Don’t apologize for what you wanted to do. Besides, it’s on me; I continuously let you manipulate me and have me feeling like I’m crazy when you are out here just hoeing around and got me looking all types of stupid. I’m just so hurt, and I don’t know why; oh wait, I do know why—because I trusted you and believed you were the one. I’m so done with you, Brandon. I hate you, and I mean that from the bottom of my soul.

That sucks… I wish there were something that I could’ve done or said, but I was caught. There was absolutely nothing that would’ve made the situation any better. I felt so bad because I could feel Jameelah’s pain. I’m such a screw-up, so I did the only thing I knew to do, call my best friend.

Brandon: I messed up.

Karim: What did you do?

Brandon: You remember how I was telling you I was going to get rid of Marriana for good?

Karim: Yeah

Brandon: Well, I couldn’t do it, and now I’m juggling the three of them around, and I don’t know what to do. I’m so upset at myself that it’s not even funny. This monster isn’t who I am; I’m not a player, a dog, or any of that stuff, but I’m slowly becoming that. I’m a monster. I’ve never been in this position before, and I can’t handle it. Once upon a time, I was that lonely kid that lived in the middle of nowhere that was cool but never got out of the friend zone. I never understood why but honestly, that was my comfort zone. I’m not used to all this attention. I didn’t ask for this; I want things back to how they used to be. I’m so infatuated with love that it’s crazy, and that’s what got me in this position to begin with. I begged for it for so long, and now it’s killing me.  *breaks down*

Karim: First things first, you’re not a monster. You’re just living life and making mistakes like the average person, but that’s okay. You live, and you learn. If you learn from it, then everything works out. That’s what life is all about. You’re a great guy. You need to let love come to you instead of chasing it, and everything will come to fruition.

Brandon: That’s the thing; I’m messing with people’s lives and emotions. I can’t keep hurting people because of my insecurities and issues. I don’t have time to learn; I need to know. I need to go.

Karim: Go where?

Brandon: Away…

Why is everything so hard—love makes no sense, but it’s a necessity for life. Which means I’m a failure at life; I’m over with this. Forget feeling sorry for myself. There’s no point in me being here anymore. Remember when I said suicide was the answer? Now is that time.

I write up a letter:

I’m sorry, but I can’t keep doing this to you. I keep hurting you, and you don’t deserve that. No matter what I do, Marriana will always be there. Honestly, I know I can’t fully get rid of her, so I’ll get rid of myself to make things easier. This isn’t ideal, but I want you to be happy, and with me, you’ll never be completely happy. I’m sure I will still hurt you with my actions at the end of the day, but at least I won’t have to see your pain because I can’t stand to see that again. I love you and everything you’ve given and shown me throughout our time together, and I honestly owe all of my success to you. When nobody, including myself, believed in me, you did, and you pushed me to do/be better and didn’t accept any of my excuses. If only I were—

Before I could finish, guess who walked in?

Jameelah: Hey

Brandon: What are you doing here?

Jameelah: Karim told me about the conversation you guys had. She said you sounded like you needed me, so I’m here.

Brandon: Well, you need to go.

Jameelah: I’m not going anywhere, Brandon. I can’t let anything bad happen to you, no matter how upset I am with you.

Brandon: Jameelah! Please —

Jameelah: No, and why do you have a gun on the table? Brandon, I know you’re not going to—

Brandon: Leave! I’m begging you.

Jameelah: Baby, stop. I see you, and I hear you! All of your friends love you, and I love you so much! Am I hurt? Sure. However, I cannot and will not allow you to do this!

Brandon: Okay, and that’s the problem. I keep hurting you and everybody else around me. It would be best if you didn’t see this, so I’m only going to ask one more time; please leave me alone!

Jameelah: Brandon, I don’t care about that right now. All I care about is you.
.
Brandon: Again, that’s the problem. You care about me more than you need to and love me when you shouldn’t.

Jameelah: I’m fully aware of what I’m doing, and I’m choosing to be here

Brandon: Okay, well, I’m choosing for you.

Jameelah: Brandon, no—

Brandon:  I’m sorry.

POP!

Just like that, everything came to an end. The end of my dream that is. I can’t die; I have some more story to tell you guys. Anyway, I abruptly woke up and sat up like, “Damn, that was a crazy dream.” It was so vivid! Maybe it was a sign?

Just then, my phone rings.

Just like that, everything came to an end. The end of my dream that is. I can’t die; I have some more story to tell you guys. Anyway, I abruptly woke up and sat up like, “Damn, that was a crazy dream.” It was so vivid! Maybe it was a sign?

Just then, my phone rings.

I know you’re thinking, DON’T ANSWER IT, but I did.

Brandon: Hello?

Marriana: *crying* She’s dying— my mother, she’s dying!

Brandon: Are you serious?

Marriana: *crying* yes!

Brandon: Wait, you okay?

Marriana: *crying* No! My mother is on her deathbed. What do you mean, “Am I okay?”

Brandon: Where are you?

Marriana: *crying* Home

Brandon: Hold on. I’ll be there!

At this point in the game, you’re probably like, “Jesus, take the wheel…. I’m getting tired of this fool and this Marriana mess.” It’s understandable, but at the same time, you have to understand our dynamic. It doesn’t matter what’s happening between us; I’ll always be there. I will say this is my last time; I’ve realized that she is nothing but trouble, so on the way there, I think of what to say to let her know what’s up.

Once I get there, I find Marriana still crying.

Marriana: Hey, I’m sorry to call you over here. I just needed somebody to talk to.

Brandon: It’s all good; I understand!

Marriana: Yeah, it’s just so hard.

Brandon: I feel you. Do you know what’s going on?

Marriana: They don’t know, and I’m just so scared.

Brandon: Don’t be scared. Everything will work out; it always does.

Marriana: Yeah *starts crying*

Here we go again. I have to let her know what’s up! I’m a sucker for tears, but I must go through with the plan.

Brandon: Hey, I have to tell you something; I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I don’t know if I can do this.

Marriana: Do what?

Brandon: This whole back-and-forth game.

Marriana: This isn’t a game.

Brandon: Oh, but it is. You clearly must’ve forgotten about our history together. Once you told me about your mom, I instantly called to see if everything was okay, and she answered and was just fine. She was only upset that I was calling/waking her up.

Marriana: You caught me; I just missed you.

Brandon: That’s absurd and vile! You’re making what I’m about to say to you a million times easier. You’ve ruined my life enough, so I’m out!

Marriana: Brandon! Don’t you dare walk away from me? You’ll be back!

Brandon: I really won’t! I’m good now. Thank you!

When I tell you that it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my chest, that’s exactly how I felt. I mean, I finally did what I should’ve done years ago. All the heartbreak and stress swirling around me all this time is gone. The craziest part about it, I didn’t even feel any regrets. I was just done. It feels so good to be free when you get to that point.

Later that morning, I still had to do one thing: respond to Marshá. I made up my mind and knew what I wanted to say. So, I called her.

Brandon: Hey! I got your message last night, but I figured I’d give you a call.

Marshá: Hey! That works. So, what’s up?

Brandon: Well, I’m going, to be honest with you. After you told me you wanted to be friends, we were just that, and everything was fantastic.

Marshá: Okay?

Brandon: Yeah, but I thought that that was all you wanted, and I kept my line open, and I ended up talking to my ex again, and we’re fixing things. I’m only telling you because I don’t want to be that guy trying to play you.

Marshá: I can respect that.

Brandon: I’m glad you can. I feel like everything happens for a reason, and I was supposed to meet you that night even if I was drunk and wild, haha. I hope that doesn’t change us being friends, though.

Marshá: haha yeah, good times.

Brandon: So, friends?

Marshá: Definitely!

Imagine that—I’m straightforward, and it’s that easy. The funny thing is, that’s the moral of this whole story. Be clear of your intentions and always speak up no matter the situation, even if you feel that one party may be hurt in the end. That could’ve saved me so much time, pain, and suffering. It turned out for the better, though, because then I wouldn’t have a story to tell.

Also, a flower never blooms if it holds onto the weeds below—meaning you have to let go to live. If not, you’ll never bloom or fully enjoy life at its peak. So, with that being said, if you didn’t take anything away from this, take away that. Let go and fly! Be beautiful, and don’t let anyone or anything stop you.

Oh yeah, one more thing, get rid of all your crazy exes, lol.

The End!